submitted by SerJR
This primer is intended for betrayed spouses that have just arrived to the site looking for a quick-start guide of advice and what to do.
The first important thing to note is that there is no instant gratification, recovery, or magic bullet. Recovering from an affair takes hard work, sacrifice, patience, commitment, and time. Right now you are confused, in pain, and feeling helpless. Most of us have gone through the same.
This will likely be the worst experience in your life. You are a prime candidate for depression and should see a doctor (get checked for STDs) and counselor if you are having trouble coping and carefully monitor your diet, exercise, and sleep patterns to ensure that you are at your best.
submitted by Deeply Scared
If you're going to use the Tough Love approach, I strongly recommend you do this with the guidance of a qualified therapist. Tough Love is not about "bullying" the betrayer into doing what you want...it's requesting what you want with a follow up of the reasons why. The dialog and approach doesn't consist of "you do this or else". If that happens, I guarantee your partner will rebel in a serious way. It's imperative that you both understand how to handle it...I say this because this is the exact angle Mangled and our therapist used with me.
Tough Love should be used the way its intended...its a firm yet caring way of sharing with your partner what you're willing to accept and what you're comfortable with. Tough Love is not something you do to "win" the power struggle, to get even or put your spouse down.
submitted by Erica
How much truth you want is determined by each individual. There is no right or wrong answer. What I needed to know, may be more detailed than what you need to know. For me, my imagination was worse than the truth and more painful than the truth. At the same time, the more you know, the more triggers you will have.
I was one of those people who had to know the whole truth...every detail. I am very anal about everything in my life and this was no exception.
When dday occurred, I found 1000 + email spanning a 2 1/2 year period of time, so I had a huge starting point for getting the truth.